humour

[jakesrocks]

[PinkDiamond]

Dan, a male patient, is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?

"Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.

"He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?

"Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent.

"Ken slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

"Are – My – Test – Results – Back?"

[SwordfishMining]

LOL

[jim]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowersThe candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it."Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?”

"No," said the little boy, "It's a puppy."

[Rockranger1]

[PinkDiamond]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare,
“It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men.
“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann?s arm gently, and whispered,
“Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

[crazy8s]

[jim]

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."
The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"
The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[MoDo]

Okay, I laughed in spite of myself

[PinkDiamond]

The AMA [American Medical Association] has weighed in on Trump's health care package:


The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but
the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.


The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.


Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while
the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.


Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while
the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"


The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
While the Radiologists could see right through it.


Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and
the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.


The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."


The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the Urologists were pi$$ed off at the whole idea.


Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.


In the end, the Proctologists won out,
leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.