humour

[PinkDiamond]

We went to the health food co-op and I picked up a few ears of organic corn, and I have one more package of grass-fed ground beef I need to get pattied out and frozen, so I decided to BBQ again tonight, and even made homemade burger buns for tonight and the freezer.

I'm BBQ'ing the corn, so I opened it up to remove the silk before soaking it in the husks, and lo and behold, look what I found.

It's a boy!

[gingerkid]

Pink!

[crazy8s]

Cute little pecker.

[PinkDiamond]

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch ..'

[GeorgeSharen]

Freya was driving her Chevrolet Vega home in New Mexico when she saw an elderly Apache woman walking along the side of the road. She stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a lift.

With a silent nod, the woman climbed into the car. Freya tried in vain to make conversation with the Apache woman.

The old Apache looked closely at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a red gift bag on the seat next to Freya.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

"It's a bottle of whiskey that I got for my husband."

The Apache woman was silent for another minute or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left-hand side there is a valley and on your right-hand side there is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the merry-go-round — you're drunk!



A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd on a remote mountainous pasture in Montana, when suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses, and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who is obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC-connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on a Hishi-Tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy, and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know crap about how working people make a living — or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now, give me back my dog!"

[crazy8s]

[SwordfishMining]

I'm using the congressman one somewhere. Thanks for making me laugh again.

[GeorgeSharen]

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife

[GeorgeSharen]

HOW TO STOP A GOSSIP

Mildred, the small town gossip and self-appointed monitor of church morals, was always one to stick her nose into other people's business. Most members of the congregation did not approve of her intrusions, but she was feared, so all maintained their silence.
She took that fatal step too far one day, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the small town's only bar all afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (in front of several others) that EVERYONE SEEING THAT PICKUP THERE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!


Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home ....and left it there all night.

[crazy8s]

Luv it