humour

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GeorgeSharen
Posts: 110
Joined: Tue Jun 09, 2015 2:49 am

humour

Postby GeorgeSharen » Thu Jun 11, 2015 2:32 am

"You're a high-priced lawyer. If I give you 500 dollars, will you answer two questions?"

"Absolutely! What's the second question?"

.......................................................................................................

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down."

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly, I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition; he's afraid that the car could be stolen.

As I looked around the empty parking lot, I realized he was right.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"


.......................................................................................................

Question: Why are Irish jokes so simple?

Answer: So the English can understand them

......................................................................................................

The federal government, which has Tomahawk cruise missiles and Apache, Blackhawk, Kiowa, and Lakota helicopters, and used the code name "Geronimo" in the attack that killed Osama bin Laden, officially objects to the name of the Washington Redskins. ???????????

.......................................................................................................

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived, full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to give his speech.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

.......................................................................................................
:) I am back

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PinkDiamond
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Location: Ozark Mountains

Re: humour

Postby PinkDiamond » Thu Jun 11, 2015 3:16 am

Ah yes, George is back and the party's gearing up. You're a hoot George. Keep 'em coming. :D

SmedleyLaughing.gif
PinkDiamond
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crazy8s
Posts: 1254
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2015 1:10 pm
Location: farm country Calif

Re: humour

Postby crazy8s » Thu Jun 11, 2015 1:35 pm

good ones George :!: :lol:

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kjsspot
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Re: humour

Postby kjsspot » Sat Jun 13, 2015 3:48 pm

lol That first one is something my brother would do.
~KJ~
Mysterious opals contain the wonders of the skies - sparkling rainbows, fireworks, and lightning, shifting and moving in their depths.
ETSY: http://www.etsy.com/shop/KJOFineArt
Website: http://www.kjmontoya.com

Rockranger
Posts: 161
Joined: Sun Jun 07, 2015 2:53 pm

Re: humour

Postby Rockranger » Sat Jun 13, 2015 11:45 pm

The federal government, which has Tomahawk cruise missiles and Apache, Blackhawk, Kiowa, and Lakota helicopters, and used the code name "Geronimo" in the attack that killed Osama bin Laden, officially objects to the name of the Washington Redskins. ???????????

:lol:


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kjsspot
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Re: humour

Postby kjsspot » Sun Jun 14, 2015 1:12 am

hahaha Silly. That's an Idaho redskin! :P
~KJ~
Mysterious opals contain the wonders of the skies - sparkling rainbows, fireworks, and lightning, shifting and moving in their depths.
ETSY: http://www.etsy.com/shop/KJOFineArt
Website: http://www.kjmontoya.com

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gingerkid
Posts: 184
Joined: Tue Jun 09, 2015 10:30 pm
Location: LaGrange, GA ~ USA

Re: humour

Postby gingerkid » Mon Jun 15, 2015 4:17 am

:lol: George, it is good to see you're in the OA House! Loved the first one!!

:lol: KJ!!

ROFL, @ RR!!
~ Jan ~

"...you gotta know your ABC's...
Always. Be. Cool." 8-)
- Boyd Crowder

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PinkDiamond
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Location: Ozark Mountains

Re: humour

Postby PinkDiamond » Thu Jun 25, 2015 6:37 pm

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.''

First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) 'My Dad called the 'middle wife'. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten.

Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
PinkDiamond
ISG Registered Gemologist


· ´¨¨)) -:¦:-¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ ..·´ There are miracles left for you to do .... -:¦:- -:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´* It all begins inside of you. ;)

opalcutter
Posts: 34
Joined: Thu Jun 18, 2015 8:55 pm
Location: Deep in the outback of Northern Ireland

Re: humour

Postby opalcutter » Thu Jun 25, 2015 8:45 pm

RUDE JOKE,

A hunter goes into the woods with his new gun and camouflaged suit. Hides in the forest and waits. Five minutes pass and he feels a tap on the shoulder. He turns round to find a great black bear starring him in the face. The bear grabs him, throws him into the bushes and buggers him from behind. Ashamed he goes home and waits until next hunting season. New bigger gun and better camouflaged suit he heads back to forest. Hiding deep in the trees he waits. Five minutes later, tap on the shoulder. He turns to find the great black bear. Thrown into the bushes and buggered from behind he limps back to the car and drives home. A year later hes back in the forest. Massive gun, fantastic camouflage and brand new hide he waits.... Five minutes later Tap Tap on the shoulder. He turns and the bear looks him straight in the face ands says "Your not really here for the hunting are you" :oops: :oops: :oops:
I won't take it personally if you take this one down :lol:
Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.

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PinkDiamond
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Joined: Thu Jun 04, 2015 9:30 pm
Location: Ozark Mountains

Re: humour

Postby PinkDiamond » Fri Jun 26, 2015 7:30 pm

I believe we've seen that joke before on the old forum. It ain't pretty, but it's pretty funny. :lol:

Why teachers continue to drink heavily

The following questions were in last year's GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination

(These are genuine answers)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.


Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house, they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal
Cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work.)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section.'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit.)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
(brilliant)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
PinkDiamond
ISG Registered Gemologist


· ´¨¨)) -:¦:-¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ ..·´ There are miracles left for you to do .... -:¦:- -:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´* It all begins inside of you. ;)


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